I miss being the Mistress.

I know that is just acting, but Cagebirds has given more to my life than any other experience ever have. It fulfilled my childhood dream, for one thing- that is to act.

It has given me the chance to let my inner demon flow through quite a bit.

I was reading some comments on the internet with regards to Cagebirds and they mentioned that it is 8 complex characters for 8 talented actress.

Now, i don't know about the mistress, cause she rarely appears, but i know my friends as the Great Guzzler, the Constant Twitting, the long tongue Gossip, the medicated Gloom, the Mirror-eyed Gazer, the Regular Thump, the Wild one had practically twisted their body to suit the role. I SUCK at physicality.

As a post script, the author added ' The Mistress is pure evil.'

I think by the third day everyone is avoiding me.

In any case, I regainmy voice just in time, and I would like to thank my friends who came, friends who DIDN'T come but presumely are supporting me in spirit, my parents and all other teachers. Thank you. =)

As anyone who ever tried talking to me will know, I am currently voiceless. (This fact is acentuated by a particular Roy, who revels in asking people to talk to me)

Apparently its cause by the flu virus, whom upon noticing that my immune system is rather drugged, decided to have a go at my larnx. Where the voice box is.

Hence, I woke up one morning with a voice akin to a boy when he breaks his voice, much to my horror. I have therefore my usual spit fire sarcatism without a voice to express them. (Writing is so slowwwwwwwwwwwwww and by the time i jot what I want to say, the joke is lost.)

Many people are surprised by this news, because I can still pratter on fluently on the internet.
-_-. Losing my voice, dears, does not mean losing my wit. (Or ability to type for that matter.)

Curiously enough, many people seemed 'adversely' affected by my lack of communication. One of which is my beloved Mother, who said that I am weird because I refuse to speak. Despite my numerous writings to her that whispering is bad, she still says the same thing. There you go. You cannot argue with a person on paper.

Another is Belicia, who delights in 'kao jiaoing' me because I can't retort back. I have my revenge though. No one can blame me when I keep silent and ignore them, since I can't speak.

Another is my doctor, whom I exchange fire with in every appointment. He laughed so hard when he heard that I can't speak. Then he proceeds to torment me happily, prattling about me screaming at classmates, etc. I rasped out something at him though. He had to ask me to rest my throat.

My brother said that the house is toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet suddenly.

I've been vigilantly shutting up for 4 days, eating porridge and drowning myself in honey. I can't complain much, cause it cause me to lose my weight and improve my skin complexion. lol.

I swear I'll come back with a vengeance on Monday.

Rant:
I haven't rested since exam ended because of the things I must do. I must pack up my bags, clean up my shoes and do so many things too. I have no holidays, instead some research and I am really tired. I want to rest, rant and not fret.

Alright gals, I want to talk about love.

Giggles. How a way to start this topic.

Anyway, i have been reflecting on my friends experiences and emotions and am feeling a little apprehensive as to what my first love will be.

Will he teach me love at first sight?
Or will I learn that all men are jerk?


Hm...
Will he be sweetly funny and sad?
Or will he simply be wonderfully mad?

Flirtatious is out, for I will castrate the very male who cheat on me. =)

Will I die for him?

Oh Gods.

Will I recover from a heartbreak with him- if that should happen?

Hm.

mom say I will never learnt what is love until i lose my first love.

Hm.

I ask nothing more than his understanding, ears and patience.

Death's by the Window

Death's at the window looking by
I work with my hand right in my mind
Everything;s right, Nothing was wrong
But still he stand out there so strong

I passed him as I leave the room
He leered at me deep in the gloom
I tried my hardest to turn back
To ask him calmly 'What the heck'

I look at the patient in the bed
The fact is true: He is dead
But yet the operation went on fine
But Death was at the window looking by

I turn to him, fury in my heart
I asked him why is it so hard
To leave one alone, to let one sleep
And wake tomorrow from eternal dream

He rested upon a cushioned chair
Steepled his finger, touching his hair
He looked at me with eyes of flame
And said so calmly 'I cannot be tamed'

'I am the master of the thousand plight
The cries of human deep in the night
I am the gentle wind of fate
The impartial scale of life I take

I seethed with horror and despair
I fight against him every night
And still he win- its a cruel fight
'Then what am I' I cried in fright

For a long time he stared at me
At the tears he always see
At the anger he always feel
At the sorrow he never knew

'You are a healer, against my night
You fight with honour by my side
You give all that i'll eventually take
You buy life for many at stake

But yet learn this- You cannot prevail
You can only give others a time to heal
For someday all will come back
Even you, will see that fact'

So I work in the room, peace in mind
I know he's looking somewhere by
I know I cannot fight his might
But I know he allows us one more try.

I think back on my life.

Rather short, I know, but it does not hurt to think back.

My teachers dislike me as a small child.

Perhaps I was impertinent, precocious, maybe a trifle tactless. But I didn't know.
I didn't know.

I didn't know, realise that adults have pride, ego and strong prejudice. I didn't know they could be partial. I didn't know they can be condescending. I didn't know they could be so hurtful. I didn't know.

I didn't know they despised those who are slow. I didn't know they dislike chatters. I didn't know they are affected by first impressions.

Then I know.

I am growing up too.

As i grow, I learn to adapt myself to them- to express myself in a way that would not hurt their ego, earn their condescension, ignite their spite, tilt their perspective, encourage their presumptousness.

Or did my teachers got better, more understanding?

Am I still who I was? Did I change?

I don't know.

Does it matter?

I don't know too.

I remember my Mom gave me a lashing once for volunteering to help a friend call another friend. She said that i was stupid to let others make use of me.
Is it? I never thought I will see the day a parent scold a child for being helpful. Is this how one grow up?
Now I help my friends again in TSD. I guess it hasn't really got nailed into me. But everytime I see the doubt in their eyes, I say 'You never know when I might need their help.'
Oh lord. Now I need a reason to help others.
Are adults like that? I know you lose your idealism one day. Can you not keep it? Dream a little more? Is life constantly hacking at you? That you become what you are?Will I become another faceless crowd in the world- or will I shine?

When will I grow old?
Become a tactless soul
Not an ounce of compassion
Constantly suspiscious.

Will I learn to love?
Can I still be true?
Will I be deceitful?
Or become a general fool?

Will I laugh at myself oneday?
Or mourn the child long gone?
Will i think myself above a child
Just based on years of 'experience'?

Will I stay young?
Can I teach my child to stay young?
Will I be who I am?
Or society's little man?