I always know when Coffee defecates.

Thankfully, this is not due to some perverse psychic connection on my part. Rather, the stupid animal has an overblown perception of himself, such that any exertion on his part is considered a great achievement.

Like the straining of abdominal muscles.

Watch him now as he enters the house after returning from his exhaustive royal duties, in full triumph. Dashing round the house madly, throwing speech bubbles in his havoc, which reads...

'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'

'Shut up Coffee.'

'Did you see that?' tails wags enthusiastically beneath me. I declined to look at him. 'Did you see that???'

'Everyday, even when i try not to.'

'Ah.' He placed his chin on my folded ankle impatiently. 'But you didn't see that one. I mean, its BIG.'

'I don't care Coffee.'

'But you got to pick it up!'

I walked grounchly to his site of reverement which the dog followed exuberantly by my side. As I bend down to pick up what he left behind, he gave me a look of intense satisfaction and pride at having bestow such an honour on me.

I could so clobber him.

Bad day: In a nut shell

1) Woke up late this morning, curse the whole house down, miraculously prepared myself in five minutes flat and ran out of the house without letting Coffee out.

2) Wore slippers, but had to run. Sounded like king kong and amagaddon combined down the serenely silent and somehow echoe-y neighbourhood. Garnered a few stares.

3) Made it to the bus on time,but left contact lens fell out for no reason.Was half blind the entire day. No idea how it happened.

4) Unable to keep awake through my two important lectures. Slept through them.

5) Cut my right hand while zipping my bag. No idea how that happened.

6) Stayed wide awake through an utterly useless lecture.

7) Fell asleep through a vitally important tutorial.

8) Cut my left hand while putting file back into bag. No idea how it happened.

Sigh.

The Curious Case of the Genitalia

Oooh, scintillating title.

When we studied anatomy, we knew at the back of our head that we will be reaching this region, the subject of childhood taboos.It is the only region where alternaltive, non-sexually sounding names like 'bird-bird' and 'popo'are given to organs use for, what else, sexual reproduction. (I sometimes wonder what God might think of his creation giving such ignominous names to such important parts, but i digress.)

Of course we are professional about it. WE are medical students after all, and we are nothing but professional. Still, there were occasional times when I was caught by surprise, and I will feel the slight twitch of childhood guilt, like I just said something terribly naughty.

Imagine this:

You were deligently copying notes for a lecture on the male reproductive system when your (male) friend, who was sitting beside you, asked you this 'Sorry, What did the lecturer just said?'

Following your reflex, you turned to look him in the eye, only to say this

'He said... penis.'

(Outwardly always calm and professional)

This subject also gave rise to a few interesting situations.

We were in the anatomy hall, studying specimens. (Draw a line slight below your umblicus and another line across your upper thigh. That is the piece of the body part we are studying.)

As we were gathering around listening to Liang En the Genius, who never fazed by any region we throw at him (He swallowed the book), one of our (male) friend said

'Is that a female part?'

We all turned simultaneously to look at the conspicously penis-less specimen.

And turned back to his expectant face.

'Did you,' I did this delicately, because I don't want to accuse him of being, I don't know, blind? 'asked if this is a female?'

He gave an affirmative.

'How in the world does this look like a male part???'

He blushed and said something about needing to confirm, you never know what people do to cadavers.

'Like what, you think they castrate the specimen???'

Then, after I was in the anatomy hall, studying with two (male) friends. Guy A and B.

Guy A suddenly said 'Hey, B, I want to ask you a question.'

I looked up, cause I might learn something from it. A gave me a look of consternation and said

'Don't look, this is a boy thing.'

Which made me listen more than ever.

'I ask you ah... the duct from the seminal vesicles (Organ that produce seminal fluid) right, joins the vas deferens (part that conducts sperms), forming ejaculatory duct right?'

B agreed. I listened.

'Then... where does the ejaculatory duct goes to?'

I can't help it. The childhood giggles were back. I laughed.

B said 'The urethra (Which conducts the urine)'

A was mortified. 'But... that's where the... the...'

'Urine.' I supplied.

'But that is disgusting!'

Full blown laughter on my part.

B gave a whittering look at my utterly undignified manner. 'A, how many holes does the penis have?'

A fell into a thoughtful silence. Then he started again.

'B, i ask you something.'

I listened again.

'You don't listen, its a boy thing.'

Full listening mode, cum internal radar.

'Do you think... people bathe before... you know...'

B gave another whittering look. 'How would I know?'

I laughed again.

A muttered to himself. 'But its dirty...'

While we have sex maniacs like tanjong pagar, we also have those like A. Personally I prefer A version. Tanjong Pagar has a second riddle -.-

There were two men and two women. (Premise sounds doggy, and it delivers as well)

There were also two condoms (See?)

Give that you cannot reuse the condom (Meaning that the condom can only be used on one woman), how to you ensure that the man have in total three sexual experience?

He went on to specify that one man must have sex with two women while the other have sex with one.

He also proudly announced that he solved this in one and a half minute. Proudly announced. -.-

I am not going to tell the answer. You guys have fun guessing!

Tanjong Pagar

No, i am not referring to an mrt station.

Tanjong Pagar is my classmate. The closest description I have of this person is the extreme version of philana, her royal cynism highness,except that tanjong pagar is a male.

For those who don't know philana, here's an example of classic Tanjong Pagar:

'If your patient asked you to kill him, saying doctor, I cannot live like this, what will you do?'

*The class ponders in contemplative silence*

Tanjong pagar, without batting an eyelid, quipped 'Pay me money and I'll do it.' -.-

How did the guy convinced the interviewers he is compassionate? No idea. (In all honesty, he is a nice guy. )

Recently, my group of friends have taken to playing Pelican, or (as SH tells us) Lateral Thinking Questions, where a scenario is given with incomplete sets of clues. The players must ask the storyteller a series of yes-no question to piece together the situation. Before I get to that part, however, we have also gotten to telling ghost stories.

One of the stories I told went like this:

8 men and 1 woman were climbing a mountain. As they reached the half way peak, the woman decided that she wanted to rest. The 8 male mountaineers continue on their way, leaving her behind. A few days later, only 7 of the mountaineers return. The missing man was her boyfriend. The 7 men regretfully told her that there was a dreadful accident up in the mountain, and her boyfriend was killed. They also told her that her boyfriend will be coming for her, so to protect her they must sit around her. At midnight, three knocks were heard at the door. The girl huddled within her group of protectors in fear. The door opened slowly, and a horribly bloodied man walked in. The moment he walked in, the first thing he said was

'Get out. They are all dead.'

(I know it does not look scary when you read this. It is scary when I tell it.)

The appropriate response is the shiver and exclaim.

Tanjong Pagar...

'He what?'

'He said, get out, they are all dead.' I said in my mojojo voice.

He is hard of hearing. 'Get out, they are what?'

'Get out, they are all dead.' I said, still in my mojojo voice, with a trace of impatience.

'Get out, they are what?'

'He said, get out, they are... Why are you spoiling my story???'

After he was told the sentence by yanling in a rational voice (to which his hearing suddenly returned. Even his ears are cynical.), he pondered over the sentence deeply and said in a insultingly reasonable tone. 'Oh.'

Of course, when I told him other stories, he rationalise it so much it wasn't fun anymore, so we moved on to Pelican, which requires logical thinking.

You think he will excel in it right? He being the rational being. Apparently not.

My question was:

A dead naked man is found in the middle of a desert with a straw in his hand.How and why did he die?

His questions to me were:

'Did he use the straw to drink blood?'

'... what kind of question is that? No.'

'Does this story involve psychopath killing, cannabalism or sucking blood?'

'....No! It's logical, use your logic! You excel in that right?'

'how I know? It's chiawyee, what, you are always so morbid and gothic!'

'What kind of rationalism is that?'

'Why else would there be a dead, naked guy? And why does all your question involve dead man?'

'I didn't set the question! If it made you happier, you can think of it as a woman!Now are you playing or not?'

The Tanjong Pagar gave his question:

7 men and 1 woman were trapped in a cave/mountain/something I can't remember. They decided to pass time by having sex with the woman.

*silence*

'That sounds wrong.' I said.

'I'm not done yet.' said TP, and he continued.

They took turns doing that. As the days progress, they found the act less and less pleasurable. In the end, they threw the woman off the cliff. Why?

Since I am the morbid queen, i asked the first morbid question. 'Was she dead when they threw her away?'

'Yes.'

'So...' I cringed my face. 'Was she dying when they had sex with her?'

'Not exactly...'

Astute yanling caught it. 'Oh my god, you mean she was dead all along?'

TP grinned. 'Yea.'

'And it was less pleasurable.. cause she is decomposing?'

*Pregnant silence*

'THAT'S SICK!'

'WHO'S MORBID NOW?' i said, defending myself.

'Tanjong pagar, that is seriously sick!'

'EWWWWWWWWWWWW'

H feebly used my previous arguement. 'I didn't set the question.'

'Whatever! That is sick beyond sick!'

I guess he'll never tell us stories again.

A Conversation with God part 3

Readers will be please to know that one of the readers is a medicine student and has taken to haressing me directly at school.


Dear God,

I haven't spoken to you in a while, and i guess it is a good thing, since I am always complaining when I do.

Before you put on those ear plugs however, please listen a little?

Please help my brother see through his ridiculous decision to take Chinese lit, a subject I won't touch with a ten pole stick. Dear Cheese always had a parellel life to mine; meaning though he doesn't follow directly in my footsteps, his life is still somewhat an echo of what I did. The last time when I was in his position I took theatre studies, which very nearly killed my mom. I think he is going to kill the whole family at this rate, oh, but what the heck. Infect him with some PRC soul, I promise to tolerate it.

And let papa have a safe journey back from the USA!

(You may put on your earplugs now)

Please help me finish my physio GIT. I don't know You can do that, unless it involves fishing my off to some deserted island with no distraction whatsoever saved my books. I think it is impossible to finish. Would you please verify my stand? (Say be having a, oh, i don't know, a CA without GIT. Right.)

Many thanks for your blessings! (And for talented people like Jimmy Liao!)

Love
Chiawyee

P.S. Do you think it is possible for me to purchase more time from you? Opps, sorry. I take that back.